Turning 27

Ps – This might be the most random thing I’d ever write, well, maybe not.

I’ll start by asking “why are you running?” I am asking my age this as much as I am asking you. Just yesterday I was 16, almost certain I’d die, then I clocked 19, then I said I should blink, and fiam, see me see 27 [this age is sha not my own. Sweet 19 forever l’omo]

If you expect to read a well-articulated writeup, now is the time to stop, just forgerraboutit. I know not where these words dey carry me dey go, I shaa know say I dey go & I hope you come along.

I turned 27 on Thursday and it was different, not a town hall but a solemn city. My last 5 birthdays have had me come up with wishlists & I’d end the day crossing items off the list. Na so una love me? Eiii God! It made me realize “receiving gifts” is high up in my love languages. Over time, I’ve grown less excited about my birthdays since ’19. Anyhoo this year, I wanted a quiet birthday. My guy asked that I send my “army robber birthday wishlist?” days before and my response was “I no even do wishlist. Make people surprise me this year.” This birthday recorded the least call and texts but it is somehow the one birthday I’d cherish the most. The paradox of life shaa. I sat with myself and I felt seen. I got emails & messages that shook me to my core. I come dey ask whether na the same me these persons dey write about? 😉😹 Anyhoo, I stopped expecting a while ago, birthdays included. Is this an adulthood thing abi mo ti n detach? Egbami ke! (epp me!)

Yesterday, I was asked why “I am still single” and I was like ahn ahn na so e bad? Small Bsc in Singleness & so? I answered saying “I have not found someone that moves me”. I meant my heart has not danced like I know it to. I’ve experienced so much genuine love from home, lovers, friends and pets I know not to settle for less. This I know your worth get em own comma shaa. There’s a burden of knowledge nobody talks about. I love love so much that I refuse to settle. Wahalauex. I spoke about love here and here.

10 years ago, I was so certain I’d end up on the trading desk of an Investment Bank on Wall Street or a financial center around the world. I wanted to be an Investment Banker, and here I am today, navigating Marketing. Life is so funny. 10 years ago, I swore I’d do anything but Marketing. God must have been looking at me like.😹

On my way home one sunny day last year, I turned on the radio & Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours parted my body into two like a rod was placed over it. Gbo gbo abe mi tutu. That ride home remains etched in my memory. I was 13 when I first heard that song and 13 years later, the nostalgia remains. The energy that ran through my body is something I wish everyone experiences at least once. It felt like hugging your dog with a wagging tail after a long day out. Like smelling your favorite human being through a hug you hope never breaks. The smell of their skin, the memories & warmth they hold. I could smell this song.

I’ve failed! I said I’ll be a published author by now, but look at me today. The Manuscript titled “One Hundred And…” still dey collect dust. I dey fear open am sef. Every attempt na so so rain. I watched the love of my life leave and I could do absolutely nothing about it [today makes it 4 years]. I have so much writing from 2018 eyes have not seen. So many stories walked through me that I never told. I got a guitar at 19, promised myself to be the next Jimmy Hendrix and maybe start singing but here I am, I still struggle with basic major chords. I’ve been running from too many things. I have tried to not be tired and failed. 

I’ve changed and I miss myself.  Grief has beaten the life out of me. I sometimes wonder how the tyres of my life muster the strength to roll themselves day-in-day-out. I just dey float. People tell you time heals, but they never speak about how much of yourself you lose. Grief knocks repeatedly you find yourself kicking the door wide open yet hope there’s blood on your signpost that pushes it far away from you and yours. At the start of the year, I lost a childhood friend. She was one of those that have known me the longest. Our friendship felt like a rash you wanted off but never got tired of itching because you’d rather not have it any other way. She wanted to be the first to know when I fell in love & wanted a VIP invite to my wedding. There are some persons you do not imagine doing life without but then life does itself without your permission. 

Art is one of the few things that keeps the inner child in me genuinely happy. Art is sound, the female body, a well-cooked meal, a letter, a poem, or a painting. It is food, the crooked smiles faces carry around, the slow strokes, the shadows that appear on the wall,  the dirty danfo inscribed “please wash me”. Art is water. It takes on the form of its substance. Art is nature. It is sometimes people; some are poetry in motion. If I had a choice, I’ll pack my bags to an artful and art-filled place. Netherlands (experience the canals, bicycle-littered streets, and museums. Italy (I’ve imagined attending Latin Mass, visiting the galleries, and beholding the architectural masterpieces). Japan (the art in this city is breathtaking). I’ve come to realize art adds color to my own little world.

These days, I’m certain of two things:

I. Art gets me [I want to spend the rest of my days experiencing, telling, and helping others tell their stories – personal & otherwise.]

II. God is the driver of my life. I just hang for side dey do conductor. Wos wobi!

In the end, I wish myself everything Jason Mraz sang about in…

I also wish that for you.

My birthday gift to you – My fav playlist

Ire o!